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critique me!


I haven't been a member for long, but I love the community and everyone is so helpful, I thought I would post my "script" I am using here in the forum and get some expert opinion. I revised it recently based on one members site and her technique, but I would love any advice you might have.... (this particular approach is geared toward real estate people, obviously, I simply alter the beginning line or two depending on who I am calling..)

Hi, may I speak to ______(name)__________ please?
Hi ___(name) _______, my name is Lisa and I am with the Wellness Company. I was calling today because,( __name)___, I know that with the housing market how it is and all the changes in the economy lately nobody in real estate seems to be making the money they used to anymore. But, ___(name)____ , I can show you how to have supplemental stream of income along with living healthier AND saving money all without leaving what you do currently or taking up all your free time; would that be fantastic or what!?

NOÖ. no problem, I understand itís not for everybody; do you know anyone who is really into their health or looking to make some extra money?
YES / What do you do? / What are you talking about?

What I can tell you briefly is that I am a wellness consultant, specializing in total life enhancement. I work with a well established company, this opportunity is completely risk free and it will cost you less to have your own business with me that you pay to fill up at the pump these days! (SMILE)

We deal strictly in consumer goods; I promise I wonít be asking for a large investment or for you to spend money on anything that you donít already. And I can tell you that we have a real estate professional within our company who used her skills from selling real estate to generate a check for $1100 in her first month and more recently in May of this year for $8,000!
I would love to introduce you to myself a little more, the company and the products that make this all possible; I would need about 35-45 minutes of your time, I promise I wonít waste it, I know your time is valuable, now would ____________ or __________________ be better for you?

Okay, Iíve got that on my calendar then for _______ at ______ and can I get your email too, I will confirm with you the morning of via email.
Have a great day & Iíll talk to you then!

Thanks in advance!
Lisa - by lisamom
1. I prefer to open calls by using the following format.... HI, this is Jerry with the Wellness Group. I am calling for {Name}. I use this approach because it disarms the call. The first thing that pops into my head using your opening is.... SALESPERSON.....

2. I get the sense that your ideal client is a person who is interested in attaining or maintaining good health and is interested in creating a second income by building a wellness business of their own. I would encourage you to develop a script that finds out if that is something they are interested in exploring and, if yes, set an appointment to talk with them further.

3. My final thought is you should consider breaking your sales process down into a two or three step process. That is, find out if they are interested in trying the product first. Then find out if they would recommend the product to others. And finally, share with them how they can build a business around those recomendations. So, build a script that gets you an appointment that leads them to sample the product. - by jdedwa11
Thanks Jerry,

I like the input in regards to my introduction, that is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I have already changed things around a bit due to some suggestions from another member and an having more success breaking through initially to people. He and I has also talked about more yes/no