- Body Language, NLP, Persuasion & The Secrets of Winning at Poker & Life.
by Marc Hogan
www.persuasion-skills.co.uk
Psychologists call it leakage, poker players call it "a tell".
A tell is a persons Non Verbal Communication - their body langauge,it provides you an indication of what another person is thinking.
And tells are highly revealing...
If you play poker it's very interesting to see the signals that players unintentionally produce, when they try to conceal what kinds of cards they are holding.
The Three Key Skills in Poker:
- The ability to keep a poker face -- to remain completely enigmatic.
- The ability to read people's behaviour to work out what kinds of cards they are holding, by simply observing their actions and listening to what they say.
- The sneaky skill is to install doubt, or overconfidence through anchoring.
For a detailed explanation of anchoring -check out the Secrets of Advanced NLP Anchoring Article.
Discuss a time when you were really scared to commit/make a decision and then get the other players to remember / imagine this feeling. Anchor it, and you have a very useful tool to ensure that people fold!
So what kinds of tells are there? Here are some examples
Talk Tells
When people of different status are together, the most important person usually does most of talking. This enables them to remind everyone else their position.
Studies have observed that when people meet for the first time, the order in which they speak provides a very good indicator of who will dominate proceedings afterwards.
The first person offering his or her opinion usually assumes the role of leader, whilst the last person to make a contribution tends to end up taking orders.*
*Ridgeway, C.L, Berjer, J, and Smith, L. (1985) Nonverbal cues and status: an expectation states approach.
Voice tells
Vocal characteristics like pitch can also be a good guide to dominance and submission.
Deep sounds are associated with dominance, while higher pitched sounds are associated with submission and appeasement.
Turn Questions into Commands.
One of the key learnings at a Persuasion Skills NLP seminar is the importance of vocal influence.
In NLP we learn how to turn a question into a command by simply starting off the statement with an upward inflection, and ending it with a downward inflection.
Touching Tells
Next time you're at an office party, play this game. People's place in the organisation is often reflected by whom they touch and who touches them. Most of the touching that you'll see is between people who are roughly at the same level in the organisation.
For example, one person pats a colleague on the back or occasionally touches them on the elbow. All of these are horizontal touches between notional equals.
What interesting about this is that this touching is generally reciprocated by both parties.
Looking round the party, you'll also notice vertical touches, that is, touches between people of different status. The boss tends to touch various people, as he/she circulates around the building. These touches are one-sided, very rarely will these touches be reciprocated by more junior members in the organisation.
It is the nonreciprocal nature of each touch rather than where the hand makes contact that identifies it to vertical touch -- one that allows the boss to exercise their symbolic right to impose themselves, however affectionately, on their staff.
Sexual Tells
People who possess the physical attributes that society deems attractive are much more likely to be noticed by the opposite sex.
But it doesn't always follow that these attractive people will be approached, or, if they are, that the suitors will hang around if they don't get any encouragement.
In fact, men are much more likely to pursue a woman who is a beautiful, and gives off the right signals, than a woman who is gorgeous but doesn't appear to be available.**
**Perper, T. (1985), Sex signals: the biology of love. Philadelphia: by ISI Press.
For more information on tells check out "The Book of Tells" by Peter Collett.
What does all this mean?
Well, firstly, it's important to point out, that everyone is different, and therefore calibration is very, very important. However, these general NLP rules can be of use in the art of persuasion.
- Appear submissive: for example, you're looking for help. Use upward questioning inflection at the start, as children do, and then lower, the inflection of your voice at the end, which is a command.
Try this and
read it out loud.
I'm sorry, could you help me (upward inflection). Can you get me that book from over there (downward inflection).
- If you are in a situation, where you need to subtly show your dominance, speak first and ensure your comments are clear.
- If you looking to make a new friend, it's important that not only do you accentuate your good points, you must also provide some encouragement for the friend to approach.
A simple one is the continual glance (do not stare!) another is one of the most effective of all persuasion techniques, smile!
Telling Tales