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What am I missing in my opening?

I've been doing sales for a while now and sometimes I have a tendency to overlook the simple things. Please let me know what I am missing in this opening. ( Everything I state in my opening is 100% true)


" The reason for my call is, our company has developed the "worlds" first and only traffic engine that can find hidden customers/traffic on the internet and we've successfully proven this over the last 3 years. Right now we have a one of a kind investment opportunity that can make you a minimum 334% ROI within 5 years working with us, Google, Microsoft, & Yahoo!"

Give me 3 minutes to tell you about this ground breaking technology and if you like it well talk. Fair enough? - by smurge
Any comments, suggestions, Do you like it, hate it, etc. 118 views and no responses. - by smurge
" The reason for my call is, our company has developed the "worlds" first and only traffic engine that can find hidden customers/traffic on the internet and we've successfully proven this over the last 3 years. Right now we have a one of a kind investment opportunity that can make you a minimum 334% ROI within 5 years working with us, Google, Microsoft, & Yahoo!"

Give me 3 minutes to tell you about this ground breaking technology and if you like it well talk. Fair enough?
Hello Smurge. When reading your opening I found that my attention was drawn to certain claims and questioning whether or not I thought they were credible. Given the situation (familiarity, beliefs, etc.) I came away with the impression that it sounded too good to be true and that it did not warrant any further thought or action on my part. - by Jeff Blackwell
Hello Smurge. When reading your opening I found that my attention was drawn to certain claims and questioning whether or not I thought they were credible. Given the situation (familiarity, beliefs, etc.) I came away with the impression that it sounded too good to be true and that it did not warrant any further thought or action on my part.
That was exactly my impression.

The final nail in the coffin was the claim that he could explain "groundbreaking technology" in three minutes. - by Gary A Boye
I agree with the previous comments, enough said there.

I'd try something like...i'd like to talk to you about some ground breaking technology that has ROI's of 300% +.

It would take you about 5 minutes to decide if you think its a good match for your business. I'm pretty sure you'd agree that if it is then your time will be very well spent and if it isn't a good match right now then you can either keep an eye on us for a possible future involvement or just say no thanks, whatever you decide on is fine with me.

Good luck,

Tony - by Tony Dunne
I believe investors are extremely difficult to sell to by such cold calling approaches.

You need to sharpen the axe spending 99% of the time (identifying the prospects to target, identifying the persons through whom these investors could be approached, getting such intermediaries on board, planning and rehearsing the storyline to be sold, etc....there are lots of things to be done).

Investors most often buy the promoter(s) and their passion & credibility, not their projects or RoI claims so much, though this may sound incredible. I believe the main promoter has to do the selling, not anyone else.

And conversion in such efforts could be very low, sometimes zero.

Ganesan. :~) - by ezynes
...if it is then your time will be very well spent and if it isn't a good match right now then you can either keep an eye on us for a possible future involvement or just say no thanks, whatever you decide on is fine with me.
I like Tony's wording a lot. I encourage newcomers to pick up on the way advanced professionals communicate. The words I highlighted in red are very strong and can leave an impression with a prospect that you have confidence and that you represent a company destined for long term growth. - by Gary A Boye
I like Tony's wording a lot. I encourage newcomers to pick up on the way advanced professionals communicate. The words I highlighted in red are very strong and can leave an impression with a prospect that you have confidence and that you represent a company destined for long term growth.
Makes sense. I will incorporate Tony's language into the opening. Thank you for that advice.

What is everyones thoughts on using Google, Microsoft, & Yahoo as names to establish credibility? We do work with them on a daily basis? Should that be mentioned? - by smurge
Hello Smurge. When reading your opening I found that my attention was drawn to certain claims and questioning whether or not I thought they were credible. Given the situation (familiarity, beliefs, etc.) I came away with the impression that it sounded too good to be true and that it did not warrant any further thought or action on my part.
@Jeff: What would you want to hear to warrant further action or create a sense of belief? - by smurge
I believe investors are extremely difficult to sell to by such cold calling approaches.

You need to sharpen the axe spending 99% of the time (identifying the prospects to target, identifying the persons through whom these investors could be approached, getting such intermediaries on board, planning and rehearsing the storyline to be sold, etc....there are lots of things to be done).

Investors most often buy the promoter(s) and their passion & credibility, not their projects or RoI claims so much, though this may sound incredible. I believe the main promoter has to do the selling, not anyone else.

And conversion in such efforts could be very low, sometimes zero.

Ganesan. :~)
You are correct that investors are extremely hard to approach.

When you say main promoter what you mean by that? - by smurge
Smurge,

What I mean is this: Investors most often evaluate the main promoter (the key person in the project) more critically than the project itself. There are times when the actual project that succeeds is significantly different from the one in the Business Plan, as the promoters keep continuously tinkering with the product in its early stages.

So, what is important to the investors is if it is in the promoter's genes to succeed rather than if the project is likely to succeed.

Also, issues like the integrity of the promoter and the commitment of the promoter to be an entrepreneur are independent of the project, and are important to the investor.

Ganesan. - by ezynes
@Jeff: What would you want to hear to warrant further action or create a sense of belief?
Among other things I would want to hear information that I perceive as (1) credible and (2) relevant to my current pursuits and (3) helping me achieve my desired outcomes. - by Jeff Blackwell
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