a. Prospects don't care about what you would "like."
b. "Follow up" is something you do, not talk about. It is a term to be used internally. Never use the term with a prospect or client.
c. The marketing of service is always in the service--never in the words.
d.There's that "like to" again.
e. "Opportunity", not "chance."
f. Opening benefit statement is premature. You don't even know what they are presently paying.
g. "Commonly purchased", not "sold."
h. Never tell a prospect what you "need."
i. See f.