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Critique my Follow-up Email

I'm very new to Sales, so I understand there will likely be a lot to critique here but any and all help is very appreciated. I work for a business products supplier in Southern Ontario, Canada; strictly B2B, no storefront. Thanks in advance!


"Good afternoon ******,
I was in your office (day & time of day) to talk to you about your office supplies and I'd like to follow up on that. Again, my name is ****** and I am from an entirely Canadian, independent business products company called Frid + Russell. We pride ourselves on sharp service and quality products delivered where and when you need.
What Id like to do, if given the chance, is save you 10-20% on your stationary supplies. Ive attached a list of some of our most commonly sold office supplies and our prices on them for you to compare with your current prices. If youd like a more in-depth look at what we can do for you, I need a list. This list is simply your top office supplies, on which I can provide a quote for the exact same items from us; a usage report from your current supplier works great. I will then create a comparison list showing you exactly how much you will save with Frid + Russell. Or, if youd simply like to see our service first-hand, try us out on your next order! Im sure we will not disappoint.
******, thank you for your time, and rest assured it will not be wasted. Not only are our prices and service exceptional, it is all free next day delivery!

I hope to hear from you soon."
- by aajking
"Good afternoon ******,
I was in your office (day & time of day) to talk to you about your office supplies and I'd like to follow up on that...
a. Prospects don't care about what you would "like."
b. "Follow up" is something you do, not talk about. It is a term to be used internally. Never use the term with a prospect or client.

Again, my name is ****** and I am from an entirely Canadian, independent business products company called Frid + Russell. We pride ourselves on sharp service and quality products delivered where and when you need.
c. The marketing of service is always in the service--never in the words.
What Id like to do, if given the chance, is save you 10-20% on your stationary supplies.
d.There's that "like to" again.
e. "Opportunity", not "chance."
f. Opening benefit statement is premature. You don't even know what they are presently paying.
Ive attached a list of some of our most commonly sold office supplies and our prices on them for you to compare with your current prices.
g. "Commonly purchased", not "sold."

If youd like a more in-depth look at what we can do for you,I need a list.
h. Never tell a prospect what you "need."

This list is simply your top office supplies, on which I can provide a quote for the exact same items from us; a usage report from your current supplier works great. I will then create a comparison list showing you exactly how much you will save with Frid + Russell. Or, if youd simply like to see our service first-hand, try us out on your next order! Im sure we will not disappoint.
i. See f.
******, thank you for your time, and rest assured it will not be wasted. Not only are our prices and service exceptional, it is all free next day delivery!

I hope to hear from you soon."
j. Redundant
- by Gary A Boye
"Good morning *****;

I was in your office yesterday afternoon to talk to you about your office supplies, unfortunately you were not available so ***** gave me your card in order to contact you. My name is **** **** and I am from an entirely Canadian, independent business products company called Frid + Russell. As we have less overhead than our competitors, were able to pass on the savings to you.

What I can do, if given the opportunity, is save you anywhere from 10-20% on your stationary supplies. Ive attached a list of some of our most commonly purchased office supplies and our prices on them for you to compare with your current prices. If youd like a more in-depth look at what we can do for you, a usage report or top item report from your current supplier works great. From this report, I will provide a quote for the exact same items from us; presented in a preformatted spreadsheet for you to easily punch your current prices and watch the total percentage and dollar amount in savings calculate. If youd simply like to see our service first-hand, try us out on your next order! Im sure we will not disappoint.

*****, thank you for your time, and rest assured it will not be wasted. Not only are our prices and service exceptional, it is all free next day delivery!

I hope to hear from you soon."


Any better? - by aajking

Any better?
Much better. You get your points across nicely. - by Gary A Boye
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