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Help with my presentation...

So I'm still new to selling, and I'm just trying to constantly
improve, but I have a long way to go still. I go to college, and I
sell door to door things called "starving student cards." it's similar
to a coupon book, in that it has free activities, food, and services, plus discounted activities, food, and services, however it is more convenient than a coupon book because it folds into your wallet nicely.

So here's sort of how my sales presentation goes.... Critique it
as much as you want, because I think it needs work. I've been
getting inconsistent results. Some days I'll make $100 in 2 hours,
other days (like today) I'll make nothing....

Hi my name is Chris and I'm helping with a fundraiser for the school, can I ask you a question?

Are you a student?

are you familiar with starving student cards?

how often would you say you eat out?

how often do you go out with friends to have fun?

Did you know the average student spends on average $300 a month on food/going out without really realizing it?

Do you have a way to help save money on these things?

ok, so to what extent is saving money important to you?

and what would happen if you could save an extra $30-$50 per month?

Ok, can I show you one real quick and just let you judge for yourself if it's right for you? (hand them one to look at)

(go over the specific features of the card)

when you go out, do you like outdoor stuff or more indoor stuff? (show them features based on response)

And where do you like to go out to eat? (show features based on response)

So the average student saves about $500 a year owning one of these- can you see how it costs more money to NOT own one than to actually own one?

And since you have to spend $30 whether you go ahead with this or not (because of missed savings opportunities), doesn't it make sense to go ahead with it?

Ok, well as I see it, The only decision we have left to make is, do you want to start saving and having fun with ONE or TWO of these (1=$30, 2=$40)? And by the way, do you want me to fold it for you, or do you want to take care of that yourself?
so how can I improve this?? - by ChrisOrlob
Your "presentation" is almost an exact representation of the SPIN Selling™ model, which is usually geared for complex sales. I'm referring to the structure and use of types of questions, not the word choices or quality. I'm curious if you realize that or not, and, if the presentation was given to you, or, if you designed it yourself.

Tell us about the "fundraiser." - by Gary A Boye
I'm actually yet to read SPIN selling, but I know it is more B2B.

It is actually for a fundraiser believe it or not. obviously I get
commission, but the school sells these to raise money for what is
called the "need based scholarship," which helps kids in crappy
circumstances go to college.

So how can I make this presentation more applicable to my
situation? any suggestions? - by ChrisOrlob
I did design it myself and yeah maybe I'm making it too complicated. I'm yet to read SPIN selling actually.

The fundraiser is for something called the need based scholarship, helping kids in bad circumstances go to school.

So how do I sell these more effectively? Like I said, I'm getting inconsistent results, somedays I'll make a ton, somedays I won't make any. So I'm thinking that the sales I'm making aren't really because of my skill, but I'm just running into the right buyers. If it was my skill, wouldn't I have a bit more consistent results?

So what do I do? - by ChrisOrlob
I'm actually yet to read SPIN selling, but I know it is more B2B.
That's conjecture on your part.

If I wasn't serious about the similarity between your presentation and the SPIN model, I wouldn't have taken my time to mention it in an attempt to help you.

When I was starting out and an experienced pro mentioned something like that to point me in a direction, I would have jumped at the chance to learn more.

Selling is a thinking person's game. - by Gary A Boye

So what do I do?
Work on your communication skills. For instance, you have a fondness for beginning sentences with "So.." which is a bad habit and suggests impatience. You even use it in your presentation.

"So" is a two le