Marketing Pages feedback

Hi everyone. I have been working on some new marketing pages for my website and would like some feedback. These pages are rough and aren't done yet. Not all the links are operative, spelling, optimizing, and revising still in progress. But I would like to know if you think these pages are going in the right direction. [I am not great at coding (ok, I stink), so for those of you who are technical, these pages might be the equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard.], but I am more interested in them from a marketing standpoint. My ultimate goal is to gain subscribers (small business owners from across the US without requiring a local marketing rep to recruit them.

In case some of you are experiencing deja vous, I started a thread about these pages a few days ago and then asked Jeffrey to pull it because my initial feedback lead me to the conclusion that they needed an overhaul Time to see if I learned anything from my mistakes.

Also, I was wondering if putting my face on the pages is positive (gives prospect a "person" to warm up to) or negative (makes me look like a one-man show).

http://withcoupon.com/online_marketing_service.cfm

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainMaker

Also, I was wondering if putting my face on the pages is positive (gives prospect a "person" to warm up to) or negative (makes me look like a one-man show).

I like that you've used your photo. To me, it gives a personal touch. One-man shows are ok.

In fact, it could even be used to your advantage.

I didn't think you got to the proposition quick enough and it seemed like it took a lot of copy to get the message across.

I did like your layout and I thought showing your personal photo was a good idea.

RM, I revisited your site and its difficult for me to be objective because I've noticed some things we have in common.

My thoughts:

Your picture is very much a plus.

The colors are good.

Your message is too wordy and your style of copywriting is too cute. Ex: "It is not an "online brochure" that sits alone in cyberspace like the last puppy-dog in the petshop window, hoping people will take notice as they buzz by."

There are 5 (count'em) metaphors and 2 similes in that one sentence alone.

You mention your competition. Marketing a service like this should be built around its uniqueness. Forget the competition even exists.

You seem intent on using language that has meaning to you but may not have meaning to your audience. "Win-win" is an example.

I think you should completely remove the copy which justifys the fact that you make a profit from this. It serves no purpose.

The "one man show' issue is not an issue. It would serve no purpose to position your company as a staff.

Lastly, I think you will get this right because you're really good at this. You're creative--but you need to balance that creativity with simplicity in your strategy. It's a $199 ticket--let's keep it in perpective. Pizza shops will blow that in a minute in their routine print advertising efforts. Don't sell defensively.

Those are my thoughts.

Awesome. That is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for for--very specific. It is easy for me to look at something else and have an opinion, but trying to put these pages together has been more challenging for me than I originally expected, and I can't stand that I can't remove myself from them to look at them objectively and with a fresh eye.

Some of the comments, so far, have given me confirmation on what I was suspecting, myself--particularly wordiness/copy length. Some were completely fresh to me.

I can't tell you how helpful this is to me.

OK. Brevity is my new middle name (or maybe it should just be a middle initial?)
All those words that were clogging up my brain have been vaporized, and I feel emancipated!

Of course, this page isn't done, but I wanted to throw it out for more feedback to see if it is going in the right direction, now.

Again, thank you to those who offered comments because that feedback was enormously helpful to me.

http://withcoupon.com/online_marketing_service2.cfm

One language question: Does this sentence work?
" Creating a website is not the challenge--knowing what to do with it is. "
I've re-worded it 10 times, but keep going back to this broken form.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainMaker

One language question: Does this sentence work?
" Creating a website is not the challenge--knowing what to do with it is. "
I've re-worded it 10 times, but keep going back to this broken form.

Better is:

I'll build your website--and I'll make it work!
or
I'll build your website--and I'll make it work--and you'll love me for it!

They don't care about creativity, or challenges, or knowlege (being educated). They think sporadically about what might work. Their friends told them that they have a website and it's not working. They'd like a website, but they don't know how to build one. They once had a website and they couldn't get it to work for them.

You'll make it work. You just said so.

And they don't care about your "mission".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gary Boye

Better is:

I'll build your website--and I'll make it work!
or
I'll build your website--and I'll make it work--and you'll love me for it!

They don't care about creativity, or challenges, or knowlege (being educated). They think sporadically about what might work. Their friends told them that they have a website and it's not working. They'd like a website, but they don't know how to build one. They once had a website and they couldn't get it to work for them.

You'll make it work. You just said so.

And they don't care about your "mission".

Hmmm...Thanks. You are a terrific copy writer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainMaker

Hmmm...Thanks. You are a terrific copy writer.

No--not really--just some suggestions, that's all.

RM, do you know what "swipe files" are, and how experienced copywriters (or is it copy writers?) use them? Let me know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gary Boye

RM, do you know what "swipe files" are, and how experienced copywriters (or is it copy writers?) use them? Let me know.

I'm all ears.

Marketing Pages feedback

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