by Marc Hogan
One of the things I'm often asked is:
"How do you start a conversation?"
It seems such a simple thing, however for many people we can be a very difficult task.
One of the key components is controlling your state -which is a key learning in the Persuasion Skills Seminars [for more information on state control please check out our article "Using NLP To Build Positive Emotional States"].
Now I know this is hard to believe, but as a young man, I was often racked with nerves when approaching a member of the opposite sex.
I mean this could be my future wife were talking about here!
Asking her has she the time might not really cut it, whilst "I love you, you're the sexiest woman I ever met!!” normally had the effect of policemen being called, court cases and the inevitable restraining orders…..
Of course I hit upon a simple solution, alcohol… I'd be debonair, sauve, I'd delight and excite her with my rakish charm…
If there are any ladies out there who experienced my drunken charms, may I apologize now for spilling my pint on you, dribbling, and possibly falling over…
There had to be a better way. Once the hangover had cleared I started to develop a system.
Firstly, look for people who are open to talking with you. Most people whether in a business or social setting will be delighted to have the opportunity to talk with someone who is polite, funny and charming [I am talking about you here].
Look for Signals
People who are open to talking with you may show their interest by smiling at you, looking at you more than once, having an open posture, or there legs crossed towards and other nonverbal signals [for more information on nonverbal signals check out the article on our web site " Telling Tales - Body Language, NLP, Persuasion & The Secrets of Winning at Poker & Life".
Once you’ve decided whom you're going to meet the next step is to make eye contact, smile and speak!
So What to Say?
Well let's start with not what to say. Any negative conversational openers, will create a negative impression of you, for example if you were to say:
"I really hate these networking events everyone is so difficult to talk to…”, could very easily turn a person off you.
Whilst a better way may be
"Wow, these networking events can be so daunting, it’s really nice to meet someone with a friendly face…."
When you think about it finding conversational openers is actually quite easy there really are only two topics to choose from:
§The situation
§The other person
Secondly there are only two ways to begin a conversation
§State a fact
§Ask a question/opinion
So let's start with an example:
The Situation - Stating a Fact vs Asking a Question
"Isn't it a beautiful day, today.
Whilst this is OK it doesn't really involve the other person, a better way might be to use Tag Questions.
Tag questions are quite simply placing a question at the end of a statement which encourages a reply.
"Isn't it a beautiful day, today, I can't wait for the weekend*, have you got anything nice planned…”
If the person wants to talk to he or she may give you some information that you can use to carry on the conversation.
*[For those of you who have studied hypnosis and NLP, you can use "the weekend/summer holidays" to begin to create Positive Time Distortion Phenomena - however that's another newsletter!]
Persuasion Skills Power Tip
One of the easiest ways to carry on a conversation, is whatever the person says, I repeat back the last portion of their sentence and I ask another question at the end of it
E.g. the person says, "Yes if the weather is nice I'm planning to take my children to the park"
"Oh, you're planning to take your children to the park, how old are they…"
I've spent whole evenings doing this - people love to talk about themselves, and will quite happily chat about themselves.
This has the additional benefit of the person feeling that you are actually listening to them, there's nothing worse than having a conversation with someone, who is only feigning interest.
Remember Your Posture
The key of course is to, smile, keep your body language open and look interested.
Perhaps you could start mirroring and matching the person's posture, breathing rate etc?
Next time you're out somewhere, try this:
When someone is talking to you listen, but deliberately make your posture looked disinterested [look around the room, tap your fingers etc.] this has a very disorientating/annoying effect on the person talking to you.
Your nonverbal language is just as important as your verbal!
Talking About the Other Person
As you can see from above you can segue from talking about the situation to talking about the other person, quite naturally by using tag questions.
If I want to talk to someone in a bar/on the tube / meeting, in fact anywhere, I use this approach:
"Excuse me, I was wondering if you can help me for one second?....
[It's always important to be polite, most people also generally won't refuse to help someone, and by saying one second you are saying the won't bother them for long]
…..I noticed / really liked your shoes/laptop/tie/dress….. and I'm thinking of buying one - it was wondering if you could tell me where you bought it/ are you happy with it...?"
[this is especially good if it's a technical item such as a laptop]
Ask with a Reason
If you going to ask somebody, about an item of clothing etc. always make sure, that you have a reason for doing so!
For example if I want is a conversation with a person and she's wearing nice shoes, I might say something like this
"…..I really liked your shoes, my housemate/sister is looking for a pair just like them a she's going to wedding/interview. Do you mind if I ask where you bought them?"
Obviously you must be aware of the situation when you decide to use this approach, asking someone about their beautiful dress at a business function may not be appropriate!
It's always difficult to express conversational openings in the written form as they don't take into account your tonality and posture, remember the key is to appear friendly and open!
Enjoy the Spring Sunshine!
Openers - Using NLP To Start A Conversation