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Rapport building

I could use some help with rapport building skills. Besides pacing or mirroring what other ways would you recommend for building rapport? - by Milton
I could use some help with rapport building skills. Besides pacing or mirroring what other ways would you recommend for building rapport?
I spent a couple of years in study - how to build rapport, how to be friendly, how to establish a relationship. What all that did was give me food for thought and practice - some of it I believe was valuable - but the entire experience was valuable in that it produced just the opposite of what I wanted which led to failure much of the time.

BUT I continued to be attentive to myself wondering why the failure. One of the reasons for failure was because I was becoming someone I didn't really know - and I know me very well. Also, I was trying to be like a TV show I grew up with in the 50s - "I Led Three Lives" which means I was becoming a Pretend Man. AND I was often a different kind of Pretend Man in different situations.

When multiple personalities emerge and you pay attention with the one you've always known well, you begin to wonder about what you're doing.

Also, I came in contact with a book which began to change my thinking and help me remove and recover from multiple personalities becoming a better me in communicating honestly and directly and clearly with people, something I'm just beginning to grasp and put to study in my life.

These basic life skills of recovery also began to become not only a return to a kind of innocent behavior one has in a playground as a kid but also an immediate response to the needs and wants of others in a profound way.

All of that changed what I understand rapport to be today. - by MitchM
Besides pacing or mirroring what other ways would you recommend for building rapport?
My first recommendation is to determine what the idea of "rapport" means to you. Put another way, when you write "building rapport" what is your desired outcome?

If, to you, "building rapport" means "building a relation of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people" or something similar then my next recommendation is "take a sincere and genuine interest in your customers". - by MagicMan
I could use some help with rapport building skills. Besides pacing or mirroring what other ways would you recommend for building rapport?
Curious..do you currently use pacing and mirroring as rapport building skills? If so, could you describe the process in terms of how you do that? I don't mean for you to define it. I'm more interested in what you actually do and how you do it. - by Gary Boye
Curious..do you currently use pacing and mirroring as rapport building skills?

Yes. For pacing I avoid talking too slow or too fast depending on the customer.

For mirroring I will quite often, when appropriate, match posture or body position of the customer. Nothing weird of course. :) - by Milton
Curious..do you currently use pacing and mirroring as rapport building skills?

Yes. For pacing I avoid talking too slow or too fast depending on the customer.

For mirroring I will quite often, when appropriate, match posture or body position of the customer. Nothing weird of course. :)
So you're being a mime, Milton? I wonder if there's any contrary evidence - is all this a theory supported by some evidence? - that the reverse can be just as effective [effective meaning what, anyway] in these situations? - by MitchM
I spent a couple of years in study - how to build rapport, how to be friendly, how to establish a relationship.

MitchM, in your yeasrs of study did you come across this information on pacing and mirroring? If you did and still have the impression that pacing and mirroring is "being a mime" then you might have just discovered an insight into your failure.

If you didn't, Simon says, "Read a good book on NLP" :D - by Milton
I spent a couple of years in study - how to build rapport, how to be friendly, how to establish a relationship.

MitchM, in your yeasrs of study did you come across this information on pacing and mirroring? If you did and still have the impression that pacing and mirroring is "being a mime" then you might have just discovered an insight into your failure.

If you didn't Simon says, "Read a good book on NLP" :D
I never came across that info, Milton, I heard of it only in the past couple of years on the Internet.

I used the wrong word - I meant mimic, not mime - but that had nothing to do with my failures, Milton. I wasn't practicing pacing or mirroring. There are other kinds of pretending besides pretending to need to cross your legs or to alter your voice or scratch your chin. - by MitchM
I never came across that info, Milton, I heard of it only in the past couple of years on the Internet.

MitchM, NLP has been around since the 70's but I only became interested in the last year or so. I haven't developed many NLP skills yet but that will come in time. It looks like you understand how a book can change your way of thinking. You might check out a book on NLP.

What ways do you build rapport with your customers? - by Milton
I never came across that info, Milton, I heard of it only in the past couple of years on the Internet.

MitchM, NLP has been around since the 70's but I only became interested in the last year or so. I haven't developed many NLP skills yet but that will come in time. It looks like you understand how a book can change your way of thinking. You might check out a book on NLP.

What ways do you build rapport with your customers?
I don't attempt to build rapport. Rapport either happens immediately or not. - by MitchM
Curious..do you currently use pacing and mirroring as rapport building skills?

Yes. For pacing I avoid talking too slow or too fast depending on the customer.

For mirroring I will quite often, when appropriate, match posture or body position of the customer. Nothing weird of course. :)
I think that I have heard the terms pacing and mirroring used interchangeably in the past. You use them with separate meanings, I notice. I find that I do what you call pacing in certain situations--always quite consciously. However, I don't do it an an attempt to build rapport. I do it to change the tempo. It is a subtle way to alter the buying pattern. I'll do a pause in the middle of a sentence. Although I'm doing it intentionally, it's really just a speech pattern of mine--a manner of communicating.

What you call mirroring I think I do automatically sometimes--but not in posture or gestures. I tend to do it by altering my pattern of speech--but I don't become aware of it until afterwards. My client base over the years has been very diversified. I could be talking to a U.S. ambassador the same day I'm talking to a hard hat project manager on a construction site--and end the day talking to an interior designer or heart surgeon. Or--passing a pad back and forth with a prospect who is hearing impaired. If I'm good at all that, it's not for me a set of techniques--it's a blessing.

I'm excellent in one-on-one sales conversations--or in front of a group--but I don't give any thought to building rapport. If I say or do something that has that effect, it's because it's the real me in that particular role which is a role that's a big part of my life.

So--bottom line--although I'm very aware of the things you talk about--and have a working knowledge of NLP, I don't pursue those fields of study.

But I find them interesting and I enjoy your input--along with Herb Philbrick's. - by Gary Boye
...or something similar then my next recommendation is "take a sincere and genuine interest in your customers".

I've added that gem to my list. Thank You. - by Milton
...or something similar then my next recommendation is "take a sincere and genuine interest in your customers".
What does "rapport" mean to you? - by MagicMan
What does "rapport" mean to you?

"Rapport" to me means being on the same wavelength or in "sync" with the other person. "Building Rapport" to me means getting in sync or on the same wavelength as the other person. - by Milton
"Rapport" to me means being on the same wavelength or in "sync" with the other person. "Building Rapport" to me means getting in sync or on the same wavelength as the other person.
With your desired outcome now defined you can start to notice on your own many different opportunities and tools to help you on your path. ;) - by MagicMan
What does "rapport" mean to you?

"Rapport" to me means being on the same wavelength or in "sync" with the other person. "Building Rapport" to me means getting in sync or on the same wavelength as the other person.
When I think of in "sync" or "being on the same wavelength" I think of the Beach Boy's song "Good Vibrations." I remember in the 70s we talked about being on the same wavelength with someone. In the 80s and 90s I'd hear people saying, "Know what I'm saying" and half way through that there'd be, "Yea, yea." in return.

By the mid 90s came "You feel me?" and the same "Yea, yea."

I often wondered if these people really did see "eye to eye" and "were on the same page" in agreement or just thought they were.

Being congenial isn't necessarily a building rapport strategy though it might go along with that. It's important to plan ahead. - by MitchM
With your desired outcome now defined you can start to notice on your own many different opportunities and tools to help you on your path.

I actually believe I understand what you mean. Thank you again. :) - by Milton
When I think of in "sync" or "being on the same wavelength" I think of the Beach Boy's song "Good Vibrations."
When you think of "rapport" what comes to mind? - by MagicMan
When you think of "rapport" what comes to mind?
A scatological mumble of cryptic sounds in a vernacular of rhythmic organization heavy on beat and tempo but lacking melody with lots of heads bobbing on a long and wobbly pier where ships come and go to work.

That's an image that comes to mind.

I think of a room full of people making small talk looking for clues to mortality that reveal more than they already know or are willing to admit - something as simple as the recognition that they are all in the same room seeking the same thing and just can't quite find it yet IT is what's happening in that moment - something from a Fellini film - the strangeness and universality of archetypical personas obscured by the moment - faces responding to faces.

That's another. - by MitchM
A scatological mumble of cryptic sounds in a vernacular of rhythmic organization heavy on beat and tempo but lacking melody with lots of heads bobbing on a long and wobbly pier where ships come and go to work.

That's an image that comes to mind.

I think of a room full of people making small talk looking for clues to mortality that reveal more than they already know or are willing to admit - something as simple as the recognition that they are all in the same room seeking the same thing and just can't quite find it yet IT is what's happening in that moment - something from a Fellini film - the strangeness and universality of archetypical personas obscured by the moment - faces responding to faces.

That's another.
...and now that rapport has a face what does it say? - by MagicMan
...and now that rapport has a face what does it say?
The faces in the room speak in different tougues and interpret in many different ways the sounds they hear.

One I pass that has a face replies to my sound and asks me a question: " . . . and now that rapport has a face what does it say?"

That's it. - by MitchM
That's it.
...and from that rapport is established. :) - by MagicMan
...and from that rapport is established. :)
Yep!:cool:

That was fun ! Gotta go! - by MitchM
...or something similar then my next recommendation is "take a sincere and genuine interest in your customers".

I've added that gem to my list. Thank You.
Do you mean show a sincere and genuine interest in your customers? - by Gary Boye
Yep!:cool:

That was fun ! Gotta go!
Mitch, in the spirit of being sincerely and genuinely interested, here's what I draw from your posts.

I see a man who takes more risks than he once did, is conscious of the fact that he does, and knows that he continues to grow, partially because of it.

I see and hear discussions on rapport building frequently. Risk and the projection of vulnerability are probably the two most important elements of rapport in human relations--yet they are rarely discussed. - by Gary Boye
Mitch, in the spirit of being sincerely and genuinely interested, here's what I draw from your posts.

I see a man who takes more risks than he once did, is conscious of the fact that he does, and knows that he continues to grow, partially because of it.

I see and hear discussions on rapport building frequently. Risk and the projection of vulnerability are probably the two most important elements of rapport in human relations--yet they are rarely discussed.
Your spirit of sincerity and genuine interest is evident in the questions and comments you make here, Gary - that's why you so often reply with insight into threads and questions that challenge us. Fearing risk less than in the past opens the door to surprises otherwise closed from experience.

Until you just mentioned Risk and the projection of vulnerability as important elements of rapport I hadn't formulated that into the context of rapport - but I see it now.

How important are these two elements to the sales process and how do they function, Gary?

[Grocho Marx? - what a clever word guy he was.] - by MitchM
How important are these two elements to the sales process and how do they function, Gary?

[Groucho Marx? - what a clever word guy he was.]
Actually he was kind of a slow learner and I had to spend a lot of time with him.

Strategically they are vital to the sales process--but the subject of rapport encompasses a bigger field than the movement of product. How do they function? Don't ask me. Ask Churchill, Bill Clinton, Miles Davis, Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, Jimmy Connors, Oprah, Frank Bettcher, Mother Theresa, Muhammed Ali, Jack Benny, Katie Couric, Sun Tzu, Bogart, Miyamoto Musashi......

.....and that's only mortals for starters. - by Gary Boye
Risk and the projection of vulnerability are probably the two most important elements of rapport in human relations--yet they are rarely discussed.

Can you go into more detail about how these are the two most important elements of rapport? - by Milton
Actually he was kind of a slow learner and I had to spend a lot of time with him.

Strategically they are vital to the sales process--but the subject of rapport encompasses a bigger field than the movement of product. How do they function? Don't ask me. Ask Churchill, Bill Clinton, Miles Davis, Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, Jimmy Connors, Oprah, Frank Bettcher, Mother Theresa, Muhammed Ali, Jack Benny, Katie Couric, Sun Tzu, Bogart, Miyamoto Musashi......

.....and that's only mortals for starters.
You are too funny, Gary. AND I believe you have also consulted some of the gods.

One thought I have is that we'd need to define what's at risk and what it means to project vulnerability. Recently in a situation with friend and business buddy one of his decisions concerned me - I questioned his decision and felt uncomfortable confronting him with it.

I had to look at my own discomfort and first figure out why? From that I looked at the issue of my relationship to him and his relationship in himself and those who put their trust in him.

My conclusion was that he knows I'd only speak of things in his own best interest - there's total trust between us - and for my own integrity I had to confront him AND the real risk:

1. if I don't what does that speak to myself
2. if I don't what's the greater risk in being silent.

Rather than put myself at risk in being vulnerable to my own breach of personal integrity and potential internal conflict - I had to speak up.

So we talked freely - I told him why I had to share my thoughts with him, because his decision could put his confidence and authority at risk - and we left it with a deeper relationship between us.

[Another post just came in as I post this - this may lead in that direction as well as anything you have to say, Gary.] - by MitchM
Gary and MitchM how important do you believe "rapport" is to personal relations? - by Milton
Risk and the projection of vulnerability are probably the two most important elements of rapport in human relations--yet they are rarely discussed.

Can you go into more detail about how these are the two most important elements of rapport?
Yes, I can. I've had many discussions about that with some people that are very close to me and who are also in sales. But I don't recall ever discussing it here in any detail.

Is this something you agree with? - by Gary Boye
Is this something you agree with?

I don't know enough about what you're talking about to say that I agree. I don't even know if we're talking about the same thing. What does "rapport" mean to you?

I posted this earlier but it went to another page so I'll post it again; Gary and MitchM how important do you believe "rapport" is to personal relations? - by Milton
Is this something you agree with?
Gary and MitchM how important do you believe "rapport" is to personal relations?
Well, we're on a sales forum and I know I already answered that question when Mitch asked it. I said: "Strategically they are vital to the sales process." I was referring to the areas of rapport that I described as risk and appearance of vulnerability. So--I must think that rapport is pretty important.

Personal relations covers a lot of territory. Are you talking about sex, marriage, friendship, selling, getting along with the boss, teacher-student relationships, team-playing, peer relationships--what? I'd say rapport is important.

I'm trying to understand why you ask. Is it really a statement that might serve you better in the form of a statement? Risk it. - by Gary Boye
Well, we're on a sales forum and I know I already answered that question when Mitch asked it. I said: "Strategically they are vital to the sales process." I was referring to the areas of rapport that I described as risk and appearance of vulnerability. So--I must think that rapport is pretty important.

Personal relations covers a lot of territory. Are you talking about sex, marriage, friendship, selling, getting along with the boss, teacher-student relationships, team-playing, peer relationships--what? I'd say rapport is important.

I'm trying to understand why you ask. Is it really a statement that might serve you better in the form of a statement? Risk it.
Gary asks the question for clarification at least as well as I could. I've never thought of "rapport" in the context of personal relations - it sounds funny to me. But in those situations Gary mentions - marriage, etc. - if "rapport" means common goals, shared interests, afinity for things - I'd also agree it's important.

Also: "Curious..do you currently use pacing and mirroring as rapport building skills? If so, could you describe the process in terms of how you do that? I don't mean for you to define it. I'm more interested in what you actually do and how you do it." -- Gary to Milton

What say you? - by MitchM
Gary I'm not understanding what you mean when you say, "Risk and the projection of vulnerability are probably the two most important elements of rapport in human relations." Can you go explain that a bit?

I'm also not sure that we are talking about the same thing. To me rapport means being on the same wavelength or in "sync" with the other person. "Building Rapport" to me means getting in sync or on the same wavelength as the other person. What does it mean to you? - by Milton
Gary I'm not understanding what you mean when you say, "Risk and the projection of vulnerability are probably the two most important elements of rapport in human relations." Can you go explain that a bit?

I'm also not sure that we are talking about the same thing. To me rapport means being on the same wavelength or in "sync" with the other person. "Building Rapport" to me means getting in sync or on the same wavelength as the other person. What does it mean to you?
Hi Milton - this could be an extremely important tread for some people following its rambling around - I just stepped in before Gary could reply - but read my last post and Gary's question of you: "Curious..do you currently use pacing and mirroring as rapport building skills? If so, could you describe the process in terms of how you do that? I don't mean for you to define it. I'm more interested in what you actually do and how you do it."

Answering that yourself and how it relates to your understanding of building rapport might reveal more to you than what me or Gary might say.

I'm sure Gary will have his own reply - by MitchM
MitchM, I replied to Gary's question directly in post #5. - by Milton
MitchM, do you too feel rapport is vital to the sales process? - by Milton
MitchM, do you too feel rapport is vital to the sales process?
I see your post #5 - I'd even replied to it - just got lost in this thread.

As we've talked about rapport in this thread, yes I do feel it's vital to the sale process. - by MitchM
As we've talked about rapport in this thread, yes I do feel it's vital to the sale process.

MitchM, how would you define the term "rapport"? - by Milton
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